Thanks for praying for my surgery. It went well and I am recovering rather quickly.
With our wonderful Grandma Dede, Dan was able to take me to the hospital without the kids. We went to the hospital at 11 AM and within an hour, a nurse was already pushing me to the operation room.
Before the doctor came in, the nurse and I were talking about raising kids. I told her that I had two little kids and they were full of energy. She then "encouraged" me by telling me her 16 year-old and 22 year-old never stop fighting. "Kids fight all the time, so be prepared." That's what she said. =) Then the anesthetist came in, she was going to put me under general anesthesia. As she was walking in, she saw the nurse's purse and we started talking about purses and dresses.
One thing led to another, she said, "My first Christian Dior dress was purchased 15 years ago and it was so BEAUTIFUL!! But it's so dated now that I only wear it to funerals." I laughed hard on that one, "Girls will always be girls." The nurse said. And with tears running down my face, I started falling asleep...
Tears? Why tears? Yes, I was crying a lot and lying on that surgery bed, and I was determined to find the reason behind my tears.
Is it because my flour and oil didn't come in as expected? This is the first month in years we didn't get a paycheck so all the money could go support the Father's House? Worry about money? Then I thought, "I made way more money 10 years ago when I was first out of college than now. Money never concerns me. Nope."
Is it because my faith is being tested? The few thousands dollars that we saved from our tax return was supposed to pay for our down payment on our house that we are purchasing and closing on May 20th. Now we gave that money to the Father's House also. We figured, "If we made sure our kids in China have a place to live and study, God will for sure take care of us." So faith? Am I scared that He is failing me?
Lord... what is it? Why this "heartache"?
Then... I started having flashbacks of the first surgery I experienced in China:
My first months in China... morning after morning I went into that doctor's room which was filled with cigarette smoke. All the Chinese doctors smoking there told me I was wasting my time and money on a child that was handicapped and orphaned. And for days and then weeks, I took deep breaths and went into that smoke-filled room to persuade the doctors to save a child that was "worthless" they said. 3 weeks later, they gave my precious baby Grace a surgery. Not because they changed their ideas of "worth", but because they could not get rid of me. Yes, I am a very stuborn one.
For years, I have been praying for the Lord to open my eyes to see the field and the harvest. But when I started to see...
-A Christian lady had no choice but an abortion, only because of the one child policy.
-A mother was convinced by society that her handicapped child was worthless and needed to give him away.
-A pregnant woman had no place to hide from family and officials.
-A mother and a sick son ended up begging on the streets.
-A doctor put a sick child under general anesthesia without performing the surgery until he got more money
-An orphan beaten nearly to death and left to die on a bed filled with his own feces.
-Kids without I.D. were not allowed to go to school.
-Contractors were allowed to break into houses without police intervention until there was blood.. the police told me.
And... I then realized.... my heart was broken.... and all these" things" that I just wrote were not some statistics I saw online or in the paper. They all had names. They are my friends. Some of them we treated as our own daughters and sons. Some of them we took in until they were "safe". And now my heart aches every time I see common decency in any little way... like talking with doctors and nurses about beautilful dresses before an operation.
A chance to get an education? an I.D. just to exist? A life to be saved with or without money? Protection by the police and the law? They all seem so basic, but they all seem so IMPOSSIBLE and so far away in the country that I love dearly.
And because of that, my tears came running down. I knew my heart will never be mended until the day I see babies will be allowed to be born and my kids at the Father's House are allowed to exist with an I.D. and to go to regular schools.
And with tears, I fell asleep. But I knew... when I wake up, I will gain more strength to do what needs to be done. And as you are reading this, I also say a little prayer for God to open your eyes to see and to feel His heart. And I hope that together we will do what needs to be done to make this world a little more like heaven. A place with more laughter, more "Christian Dior" dresses but without the tears.
Thanks for praying for me. The surgery was a wonderful time for me to get healed spiritually.
Love,
Cassy
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